Sweeping it Under the Rug
One of my favorite memories of my grandmother, is from when I was 7 or 8 years old. She was getting ready for some kind of dinner, maybe a holiday, and she was cleaning up the house. Grammy literally picked up the corner of the rug and swept the dirt under it and said “what they don’t know won’t hurt them.”
I kept her secret that day, but eventually told my mom (maybe years later) because I was so incredulous that you could actually do that. My mom was absolutely horrified. (She is still horrified every time I bring the memory up). She said “Carrie, just because you can’t see the dirt, doesn’t mean it isn’t there - it doesn’t go away and it will just keep accumulating.”
While the memory is a funny one of my unconventional grandmother, my mom was actually right - both literally and metaphorically…
Sweeping anything under the rug does not make it cease to exist. Literally, the dirt is still there. Metaphorically, pretending that a traumatic experience didn’t happen doesn’t actually mean it never occurred. It will remain under that rug indefinitely and the suffering will just accumulate.
There are many reasons someone may not want to disclose or talk about a traumatic experience - for some the repercussions of doing so seem to great.
If a survivor does not acknowledge their trauma, though, and give him/herself time and space to work through it, the suffering that the survivor will endure will continue to grow. It is important to find a trusted adult that is willing and able to walk through the trauma journey with the survivor. Carrying the weight of trauma only gets heavier over time, especially if there is no one to carry it with you.
Sometimes a caregiver pretends the trauma did not occur. Perhaps he/she is embarrassed or in deep pain that it happened on his/her watch. Or maybe the caregiver just doesn’t know how to have this uncomfortable conversation, so the traumatic experience is just swept under the rug. Either way, this sends one of two messages to the survivor:
His/her traumatic experience is not worth talking about
ORThe caregiver’s comfort is more important that the survivors healing
While both of these messages can be inadvertent, either can end up compounding the trauma. This creates a situation in which the survivor carries the burden of trauma alone, allowing it to get heavier and heavier, increasing the suffering and potential for long-term mental health challenges.
If you are a survivor and you feel like you cannot move past your trauma, I can help.
If you are caregiver and you feel like you cannot have these hard conversations with the survivor, provide them another resource. I can help.
Sweeping trauma under the rug is never the solution. There is hope when we talk about it. There is healing. We can develop a roadmap to move forward, acknowledging that trauma existed, but does not define who you are now or who you are going to be in the future.
