Gripping
I tend to actively and intentionally push myself out of my comfort zone. In college, if the whole class had to give a speech, I’d volunteer to go first. I hated public speaking and figured it was better just to get it done and not think about it anymore. If something makes me nervous but falls into a growth category, I just decide and do it. I don’t think about it. I push beyond my preconceived limits and open myself to possibility.
Most recently, I have pushed myself in fairly simple, yet uncomfortable (for me), ways. I have started running and meditating. While they sound completely the opposite, the result of these new practices has been similar. I have grown in resilience, acceptance, and in my ability to turn off the constant chatter of my brain.
These may not seem like “uncomfortable moments” to you, but they definitely are and have been for me. Let’s start with running. I have always thought running was a punishment. Running was what I had to do in order to play field hockey (in high school). Or running is used to get away from something threatening. Running was never something I did for joy. That has changed and to give credit where it is due, I’ll say that Peloton has helped me believe it possible for me enjoy running. I actually look forward to it now, and I continue to push myself outside of my comfort zone. I’ve signed up for a 10k. I feel like I have most certainly lost my mind, yet I am going to do it anyway to see what I can accomplish.
The other thing, meditation, is actually more difficult for me. I am a doer, a thinker, a master of chaos. To intentionally sit still and clear my mind has felt, on some days, like poison to my soul. But, in the spirit of learning from being uncomfortable, I have endured.
Often in the beginning of a guided meditation, the instructor will say something like “let go of any gripping.” It took me forever to understand what she meant by this. I kept thinking, ‘I’m not holding on to anything, I’m sitting on the floor.’ And then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. Gripping is a metaphor. (I see your eye rolls). What she is referring to and what I am holding onto is the illusion of control. Yep. I am absolutely gripping that with both hands and all my strength. She wants me to let it go?! I don’t even know how to pry my fingers loose.
Knowing logically that I am not in control of all the things, and actually letting go of the illusion are very different. It has taken me more than six months into this meditation journey to say that for at least 10 minutes a day, I can stop gripping. I can let go of control… for 10 minutes.
I’ve learned some things by pushing myself out of my comfort zone. One, I like running. It feels like I’ve accomplished something and when I’m running, the only thing I can think about is running (my form, my cadence, my pace, etc.). My mind cannot run through my to do list or what the kids are doing or what we need at the grocery store. Even though I’m moving, my mind has stillness. And two, stillness has changed my life. Allowing myself a few minutes to stop gripping, let go, and to pay attention to my insides is freeing. It feels spacious, like I have room for possibility.
Perhaps the things that I have been drawn to in order to make myself uncomfortable have really been about making myself comfortable with just me, with who I am.
Do you find yourself gripping? And, how do you let go?
